Although this pattern emerged through the challenges of parenting, I still find it really useful wherever there is high variability / unknowns in coordination.
Planning with kids chaos
When I had kids, organising hang-outs went from pretty simple to something much more unstable. For example “let’s meet at the zoo at 2pm”… sounds easy enough, but then toddlers don’t necessarily sleep on an exact schedule, and there is a greater than zero chance someone could spew in the car on the way there. Multiply these unknowns by the number of participants and it can be pretty easy for plans to only semi-align, or totally bomb.
This can generate feelings that range from mild stess (am I waiting for X to arrive before we go into the zoo?) through to total bummer (I was really looking forward to an adult conversation). A particularly painful failure mode is the “after bedtime han-gout” where no children are present (read: this is my time off), where some kid need arises, you are wrenched back into duty, and your plans are cancelled. Deep expectation-reality whiplash.
If your plans involved other people with limited resources, you’re probably also carrying the cost to the group in mind e.g. their expectation-reality whiplash, and the cost of having the try to re-schedule a hang out.
Decomposing the problem
I noticed the crux of the pain for me was the sharp divergence of reality from expectation. Why was this happening? I think because my internal narrative was too binary, that is only had two modes:
hangin out⇒ 😄no hangs⇒ 😭.
What if we told a story which was more nuanced… reduce the surprise of the flip between these states. Could we take in all the variables, name and acknowledged the uncertainty, and build our story on that? Sounds like it might be too complex, but you’ve seen this pattern before ⇒ weather forecasts!
So I started experimenting with a friend I play Magic with. Our conversations shifted from being more of a roller-coaster:
Mix : How are things looking for a game tonight?
Eric : 👍 Yeah I’m on! See you at 8pm
…
Mix : 😕 you coming?
Eric : 👀 yep, just running a little late…
…
Eric : 😔 Look I’m really sorry, I gotta cancel, child spewing
Mix : 😭 oh no! good luck
To a really smooth expectation ride:
Mix : How are things looking for a game tonight?
Eric : ☔ 30%, my youngest has a cold, stay tuned!
Mix : ❤️🩹 No pressure this end
Mix : ✨ Let me know if the stars align! Otherwise catch you another night
Updated forecast
One of the joys of this is that just like a weather forecast, your forecast of the likelihood of a date working out can evolve over time:
- ⛈️ 40% we have quite a few lemons on deck
- ☁️ 60% grandma said she can take a kid!
- ☀️ 85% sick child is asleep 🙌🤞
If you want you can front-load a little context about the lemons (complexity/ challenges) that are introducing uncertainty, then subsequent updates can be really brief, even just “20%”.
Contrast this with trying to protect people from complexity (not wanting to prematurely complicate or worry), but then feeling pressure to offer apologies, AND explanation, AND in the exact moment of some disaster unfolding 👎.
Commitment + Context
One thing I immediately noticed was that communicating this way separated our commitment to the relationship from the challenges of our context.
In the past I feel like generally people wanted to make a plan work – to honour the organising + time people have contributed, the relationship – and that to cancel plans felt like some damage that needed acknowledgement and repair.
Now I it’s really easy for me to say:
- ❤️ I would love to hang out with you! (commitment)
- ⛈️ 60%, here’s what I’m working with (context)
My commitment + context can now be expressed orthogonally 🤓. It feels like it unlocks a lot more compassion / kindness, which is especially helpful for anyone navigating relationships intersecting with complexity, be that kids, mental health challenges, disability etc.